Aminet 41/Aminet 41 (2001)(Schatztruhe)[!][Feb 2001].iso/Aminet/docs/mags/Crypt15.lha/Crypt15/TEXT/Red Trek p2/Red Trek p2

Text File | 2000-11-05 | 33.8 KB | 1,236 lines

@2
                               R E D   T R E K
@3
            S T A R   T R E K   T H E   N E X T   G E N E R A T I O N
@2
                        M E E T S   R E D   D W A R F
@7

                               -=Conclusion=-



@7
[Fade to black .....Time for some adverts again]
@3
The Weetabix ad' again.

The awful Capri Sun advert where the boy sticks the drinks up his sleeves.

Radion Automatic Gets your blues whiter than white, & your pinks & reds &...

An advert for the next program
@7
Fade back to picture of Enterprise and Red Dwarf
@1
LISTER:@5 Third technicians log. Well why not, everyone else seems to do one of
        these so why not me ? The Bald Eagle himself has zapped us all back to
        the Science Lab on the Red Dwarf. Now Data the android is attempting
        to fix Holly. Kryters, Cat and me , and the 1st officer old smirk-a-
        lot himself are just standing watching as the NDD as it calls itself
        does it's work.
@7
[Cut to science room]
@1
DATA: @5  How are you doing?
@1
NDD: @5   About half way there now?
@1
KRYTEN:@5 You mean after all of those adverts and Master Davids attempt at a
        Log entry you are only half way through?
@1
NDD: @5   Well I'd be a lot faster if you lot would shut up and leave me alone!
@1
PICARD`S BADGE:@5 Bllep Bllep@1 [Picard presses the badge]
PICARD: @5 Yes what is it?
@1
GEORDI`S VOICE:@5 Sir, we've got an emergency situation over here
@1
PICARD:@5  What is it?
@1
GEORDI`S VOICE:@5 Well sir, First Frank Bruno burst into someone' s quarters on
         the family decks and we have a number of people saying that it turned
         into a 12 foot tall monster, not unlike those from ALIENS and stuck
         this long rubbery sucker thing to someone's head. That person is now
         running around saying that he wants to talk and set up poster
         campaigns to get rid of the monster.
@7
[Lister looks at Cat. Cat looks at Kryten and then at Lister]
@1
LISTER: @5 Oh smeg, not another one
@1
PICARD:@5  What do you know about this?
@1
LISTER: @5 It's a genetically engineered lifeform that went slightly wrong, It's
         mad and feeds on emotions. It can look like anything and changes it's
         shape to induce the strongest emotions in its prey.
@1
DATA: @5   That must be the genetic mutant that we detected on our preliminary
         scan of this ship.
@1
GEORDI`S VOICE:@5 Well what ever it is I think we need to get it soon before it
         zaps anyone else.
@1
PICARD:@5 Understood. Picard out.
@1
LISTER:@5 Listen, no offence but you are gonna need more than a couple of
        dustbusters and a few matchbox phasers to beat this genetic mutant.
@1
PICARD:@5 Ok what do you suggest?
@1
LISTER:@5 Follow me!
@1
DATA: @5  Sir, I will stay here and mind the NDD
@1
NDD:  @5  Oh I can't manage by myself eh?
@1
PICARD:@5 Ok so be it.

@7
[Lister followed by Cat, Kryten Picard and Riker all leave the room and head
off down the corridor]
@1
KRYTEN:@5 Excuse me sir, but where are we going?
@1
LISTER:@5 To the armory to get bazookoids, where else?
@1
CAT:  @5  Yeah, No genetic mutant is gonna get the best of the Red Dwarf Possie!
@1
PICARD: [To Riker]@5 I think I'm going to regret this.
@1
RIKER: @5 Nonsense sir, I think it will be quite fun!
@1
PICARD:@5 You've been hanging around too many Klingons number 1
@7
[They reach a door marked Armory]
@1
LISTER:@5 Open code 13223265qqxb7
@7
[The door swings open]
@1
PICARD:@5 How do you know that code, only the captain should know that!
@1
LISTER:@5 Ah well, Holly told me because she thought she might forget it
@1
RIKER: @5 Ask a silly question!
@1
CAT: @5   Right, grab your weapon.@1 [he takes a bazookoid and chucks it to Picard
        who gingerly catches it]

PICARD:@5 How do you use these?
@1
KRYTEN:@5 Oh it's quite simple sir, just untag the binary lock, adjust the
        thermoselector, flip the visipad and press the finger sensi-touch
        switch, Ha so simple a baby could use it.
@1
CAT: @5   He means switch of the safety bit. twiddle this bit, look through the
        target and pull the trigger when the bad dude is in sights.
@1
PICARD:@5 Ah thank you! Number 1@1 [He passes Riker a Bazookoid]
@7
[They all have bazookoids now and Picard presses his badge]
@1
BADGE: @5 Blip bleoooop
@1
PICARD:@5 Damn the batteries are flat.
@1
RIKER: @5 Don't worry sir, I'll do it@1 [He presses his badge]

BADGE:@5  Bllep Bllep
@1
RIKER:@5  Riker to O'Brian, Beam us over.
@1
O`BRIANS VOICE:@5 Yes Sir.
@1
TRANSPORTER BEAM: @5VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssshhhHHHHHHHHHH
@7
[They all disappear. Cut to transporter room on the Enterprise]
@1
TRANSPORTER BEAM:@5 VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssshhhHHHHHHHHHH
@7
[They all re-appear]
@1
PICARD:@5 How do we know what were up against?
@1
KRYTEN:@5 I have configured this Bazookoid so I have to act as a tracking
        device to track the shape changer. It'll sound a beep when were near.
@1
LISTER:@5 Great, Lets go and get it.
@1
RIKER: @5 Well it would help if we knew where to start
@1
PICARD:@5 Computer
@1
COMPUTER:@5 Yes Captain
@1
PICARD:@5 What is the location of the shape changer?
@1
COMPUTER:@5 It is currently on deck 4 corridor 2, heading towards the storage
          deck.
@1
PICARD:@5 Thank you.
@1
O`BRIAN:@5 I could beam you straight there if you want
@1
RIKER: @5 May I suggest sir, that we power up our bazookoids before we go?
@1
PICARD:@5 Make it so
@7
[Everyone switches the big red "ON" switches]
@1
BAZOOKOIDS:@5 PPPIIIIIZZZZZZOOOOOIIIIIIIIIRRR
@1
PICARD:@5 Energise
@7
[O'Brian does his stuff]
@1
TRANSPORTER BEAM:@5 VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssshhhHHHHHHHHHH
@7
[They disappear, Cut to storage deck]
@1
TRANSPORTER BEAM:@5 VVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssshhhHHHHHHHHHH
@7
[They all re-appear and wave their bazookoids around gingerly]
@1
CAT:  @5  Hey, looks like we beat him here
@1
LISTER:@5 How do we know that it isn't one of these boxes?
@1
KRYTEN:@5 My bleeper hasn't gone off yet, so we appear to be relatively safe.
@1
BLEEPER:@5 BLEEEP
@1
KRYTEN:@5 Whoops, looks like I spoke too soon!
@1
LISTER:@5 Lets just be careful ok
@1
PICARD:@5 Agreed.
@1
CAT: @5   What was that movement over there?
@1
RIKER: @5 It could be the alien
@7
[They all spin and fire... A large hole appears in the wall and Rimmer
appears from behind some boxes]
@1
RIMMER:@5 What the smeg are you trying to do. Wipe out your own ship?
@1
LISTER:@5 Yo, Rimmer, what are you doing down here?
@1
RIMMER:@5 Well things started to get a little hairy in engineering so I came
        down here to umm...
@1
CAT:  @5  Hide?
@1
RIMMER:@5 Yes That's it!
@1
PICARD:@5 WAIT!... How do we know that he is the real Capt... I mean
        Technician Rimmer ?
@1
RIKER:@5  We don't
@1
LISTER:@5 Smeg
@1
KRYTEN:@5 Might I suggest asking your computer for help?
@1
PICARD:@5 Good idea, Computer, what is the position of Cap... I mean Techn.. Oh
        Hell... Where is Rimmer?
@1
COMPUTER:@5 Mister Rimmer is current located on deck 7 with Leutenant O'Blighty
@1
CAT: @5   Lets nuke it!
@7
[Before any of them can fire, Rimmer/the alien turns into it's real self and
sticks a tube on Riker's head]
@1
KRYTEN:@5 Oh my...
@7
[Riker falls to the ground, the alien turns into a rabbit, then the Road
Runner]
@1
ALIEN: @5 BEEEP BEEEP
@7
[It sticks out it's tongue and takes off around the corner]
@1
LISTER:@5 Eat this you alien scuzbucket@1 [He fires, but the alien out runs the
        shot and disappears through a door, which promptly gets blown away by
        the missile.]

RIKER:@5  What the hell hit me.
@1
PICARD:@5 Are you OK?
@1
RIKER: @5 Screw you, It's none of your business!
@1
KRYTEN:@5 Oh dear, It appears that the alien has stolen Mister Riker's sense of
        politeness
@1
PICARD: [presses his badge]@5 Doctor Polaski, could you report to the cargo
        deck immediately
@1
POLASKI`S VOICE:@5 Yes sir... Captain, how come I have not been in this
        episode so far?
@1
PICARD:@5 Because you annoy me, now get down here! Picard out.
@7
[Cut to Data in the science room of The Red Dwarf]
@1
DATA: @5  Have you nearly finished yet?
@1
NDD:  @5  Yes I am nearly done fixing the F.A.T.s
@1
DATA: @5  How long?
@1
NDD:  @5  About 2.3451 minutes... Approximatly
@1
DATA: @5  Ah, Thank you
@7
[Holly appears on the screen]
@1
HOLLY:@5  'Ere what's goin' on, I feel all wibbily
@1
DATA: @5  Try to ignore it, your IQ will soon be restored to 6000
@7
[Switch back to Picard and the others, Polaski enters]
@1
POLASKI:@5 What happened?
@1
KRYTEN:@5 The genetic mutant sucked the ability of being polite out of mister
        Riker
@1
POLASKI:@5 How is that possible?
@1
RIKER: @5 Who cares you stupid old biddy.
@1
POLASKI:@5 I'll have you know I am the same age as the captain.
@1
RIKER: @5 Exactly!
@1
PICARD:@5 Right, that does it. Give him a heavy sedative and take him to sick-
        bay. Kryten, is there any way to reverse the process?
@1
KRYTEN:@5 Well, the only way that I know of is to destroy the alien
@1
LISTER:@5 Yeah, It worked before
@1
CAT: @5   So what are we waiting for? Christmas?
@1
PICARD:@5 Lets go. Doctor, I'll see you later
@1
POLASKI:@5 OK
@7
[Polaski guides Riker out through the remains of the door. Picard, Cat,
Lister and Kryten all walk towards the alien's last position]
@1
PICARD:@5 Is there any way we can determine exactly where the alien is ?
@1
LISTER:@5 Well we could ask your computer
@1
PICARD:@5 No, it's too obvious
@7
[Suddenly a small black ewok runs past]
@1
EWOK: @5  Dangggar ewoks...
@1
CAT:  @5  Ahh. isn't that cute...
@7[The ewok turns into the 12 foot tall slobbering alien and zaps Cat]
@1
CAT:  @5  UUugghhh That's truly disgusting... Why is everything so UGLY?
@1
LISTER:@5 This time let's get it
@7
[The alien turns into an extremely fast light cycle and burns of down the
corridor]
@1PICARD:@5 After it.
@7
[They all race off after the alien/light cycle down lots of corridors.
Finally it turns off in to holodeck 1]
@1
PICARD:@5 Now we have it. Computer, set program to alter at our commands
@1
COMPUTER:@5 Do you wish mortality override?
@1
LISTER:@5 What does that mean? What are you doing?
@1
PICARD:@5 It means can anything get killed in there... Yes we do computer, we
        want to override the safety mechanism. What I am doing is playing the
        shape changer at it's own game. Anything we want we can have with this
        program. If I said Give me a hyperlight speed potato for example, a
        hyperlight speed potato would appear in my hands.
@1
LISTER:@5 Excellent!
@1
COMPUTER:@5 Program set.
@7
[The doors open and they walk in, Cat is trailing behind. The holodeck is
still it's empty black with yellow lines]
@1
CAT:  @5  Yeuch... horrible
@1
LISTER:@5 Why does he say everything is so ugly?
@1
KRYTEN:@5 His ability to like the look of things has been removed
@1
PICARD:@5 Where is the creature? I can't see it
@1
KRYTEN:@5 It is here, perhaps invisible?
@1
LISTER:@5 Change background to woodland
@7
[The background changes, a yellow and black alien shape appears]
@1
CAT:  @5  Fire!

@1KRYTEN:@5 WAIT... Computer, set weapons to do no damage to us or the holodeck,
        just the alien
@1
COMPUTER:@5 Weapons set...
@1
CAT:  @5  Now can I fire?
@1
LISTER:@5 It's too late, he's disappeared
@1
PICARD:@5 Hang on, there's an extra tree there... Computer, Give me a chainsaw
@7
[A chainsaw appears in Picard's hands, replacing his bazookoid. He starts it
up]
@1
CHAINSAW:@5 BBBBBbbbBRRRRRRROOOOOOOooommm..... BBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz
@1
PICARD:@5 Eat this you alien scum
@7
[He slices at the tree which screams and turns into a cricket ball. It then
flys forwards and hits Picard on the nose, knocking him senseless]
@1
CAT:  @5  Computer... Baseball bat
@7
[His bazookoid is replaced by a baseball bat]
@1
CAT:  @5  Bye bye mister ugly
@7
[He smashes the ball with all his strength, it flys into the far wall of the
"Forest" and the background shimmers. The ball then disappears]
@1
LISTER:@5 Smeg, we've lost him again
@7
[Picard comes round]
@1
PICARD:@5 Did we win yet?
@1
KRYTEN:@5 Not yet sir.
@7
[Suddenly a man appears, he looks strangely familiar]
@1
CAT:  @5  Who are you?
@1
MAN:   @5 I am captain James T Kirk of the starship Enterprise
@1
PICARD:@5 Computer, Phaser
@7
[His chainsaw disappears and turns to phaser mark 3]
@1
PICARD:@5 I don't belive you... Fire
@7
[They all fire, but Kirk disappears with just a wound to his arm]
@1
KRYTEN:@5 We have him wounded now, he may not have as much control over the
shape changing
@1
LISTER:@5 Wanna bet
@7
[King Kong appears and grabs at Picard, who ducks and is just missed]
@1
PICARD:@5 Computer, change background to New York Skyline, and put us all in
        aeroplanes and the alien on top of the empire state building
@1
LISTER: @5I like it...
@7
[The woodland disappears and is replaced by the New York Skyline and small 1
man planes appear around Cat, Lister, Kryten and Picard]
@1
CAT:  @5  But I can't fly. especially not this rustbucket
@1
PICARD:@5 It doesn't matter, the computer can!
@1
ALIEN: @5 Roar Roar
@1
LISTER:@5 Yo computer, give me a bazookoid on the front of this plane
@7
[One appears, the alien swings at Kryten's plane, but misses]
@1
LISTER: @5Eat hot plasma
@7
[He fires about 22 rounds of missiles, each one a direct hit, in what seems
like a huge explosion of fur, slime and light, they all hit]

[Finally the light dies down and the smoke clears, they all sat, covered in
red and green slime on the floor of the empty holodeck, which is just yellow
and black again]
@1
CAT: @5   Did we get it?
@1
LISTER:@5 Would somebody punch this guy out?
@1
KRYTEN:@5 The alien has been eliminated
@1
PICARD: @5  Yeuch, this stuff smells. computer, can you clean this stuff up?
@1
COMPUTER:@5 Simulation Overload... Re-enter command
@1
PICARD: @5  Oh... SMEG... I said Clean
@1
COMPUTER:@5 Yes
@1
PICARD:  @5 This
@1
COMPUTER:@5 Yes
@1
PICARD: @5  Stuff
@1
COMPUTER:@5 Yes
@1
PICARD: @5  UP
@1
COMPUTER:@5 Program set VVVVVVVVVVSSSSSSSSsssssssssssssssssshhhhhh
@7
[In a mass of light and colour the slime disappears and they are all clean,
their bazookoids are all lying on the floor]
@1
PICARD:@5 Computer... Exit
@7
[The doors open and they pick up the bazookoids and walk out. In the
corridor, Riker, Rimmer and Leutenant O'Blighty are all waiting.]
@1
RIKER: @5 Well sir did you get it?
@7
[O'Blighty gets board and wanders off]
@1
PICARD: @5Oh we got it alright number 1, I don't think he'll be back
@7
[A woman walks past]
@1
CAT: @5   WWWooooooaaa, I'm off, see you later
@1
LISTER:@5 Well he's back to normal... Cat, stay here.
@1
RIKER`S BADGE:@5 Bllep Bllep @1[He presses it]

RIKER:@5  Yes
@1
DATA`S VOICE:@5 It's Leutenant commander Data here sir
@1
RIKER: @5 Yes Data?
@1
DATA`S VOICE:@5 Sir, the NDD has finished, Holly is ready to be re-started
@1
RIKER:  [to Picard] @5Sir should we beam over?
@1
PICARD: @5Absolutely, I wouldn't miss this for the world
@1
A WET PILCHARD:@5 blurb lodfos blorud?
@1
LISTER: @5What?
@1
PILCHARD:@5 Oh nothing I'm just in the wrong story
@1
KRYTEN:@5 What was that?
@1
RIKER: @5 Oh, just ignore it, it's the writer's younger brother messing with the
        word processor!
@1
DATA`S VOICE:@5 Sir, are you coming over?
@1
RIKER: @5 Yes Data... O'Brian beam us over
@1
O`BRIANS VOICE:@5 Yes sir!
@1
RIMMER:@5 Wait, it won't wor...
@1
TRANSPORTER BEAM: @5VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssssssSSSHHHHHHH
@7
[They all disappear, cut to science room, Red Dwarf]
@1
TRANSPORTER BEAM: @5VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvssssssSSSHHHHHHH
@7
[They all re-appear, except Rimmer]
@1
LISTER:@5 Where's Rimmer ?
@1
KRYTEN:@5 Well, I can only assume that the transporter de-activated his light
        bee and he is lying on the floor somewhere
@1
PICARD:@5 There is that him over there?
@1
CAT:  @5  Yep@1 [He picks up the small pill shaped machine]

RIMMER`S TINY VOICE:@5 I suppose you think this is funny? Get me back now!
@1
DATA:@5 I'm sorry but we cannot, at least until Holly is re-activated
@1
RIMMER'S TINY VOICE:@5 What, why is she off line, have I missed something
@1
LISTER:@5 No man, you've missed everything, we even saw Magruder!
@1
RIMMER:@5 Where?
@1

LISTER:@5 In the Holodeck, along with Kachanski and this other girl called
        Yar... or something.
@1
DATA:  @5 Really, Leutenant Yar is in our holodeck?
@1
PICARD:@5 We'll sort it out later Data, now get Holly on line.
@1
DATA:  @5 But... Oh okay sir... Red Dwarf Computer Access Code 12D53Q6.3.
        engage re-initialisation sequence 323QA
@7
[Lots of lights flash, screens go blank and finally...]
@1
HOLLY`S VOICE:@5 Sequence engaged...@1 [Her face appears on the screen, except
        the dozy look has gone]...@5 Blimy I'm intelligent, I Know everything
@1
KRYTEN:@5 Okay then, why does bread always land butter side down?
@1
LISTER:@5 Good one man!
@1
DATA: @5  I know this one!
@1
PICARD:@5 SSSssshhh Data, we want to see if Holly knows
@1
HOLLY: @5 The bread always lands butter side down due to the wind resistance of
        the bread and the increased mass on the one side of bread... Crikey...
        I never knew I knew that!
@1
RIMMER`S VOICE: @5Get me back
@1
HOLLY: @5 Oh sorry, here we go.
@7
[There is a bright flash and Rimmer re-appears]
@1
RIMMER: @5Ah, that's better, now lets go back to this holodeck thingie and see
        Magruder.
@1
LISTER:@5 And Chrissy!
@1
DATA: @5  And Tasha.
@1
PICARD:@5 Ah... Data, she will not remember you, the computer simulation is from
        before she joined the Enterprise
@1
DATA: @5  Oh.
@1
CAT:  @5  So, she won't remember you, so what, she's still great to look at!
@1
DATA:@5   That's not the same!
@1
CAT: @5   It is to me...@1 [Picard presses his badge]

BADGE: @5 Blooooop squoomm
@1
PICARD:@5 Damn, I must get this fixed, Number one, get us back!
@'
HOLLY: @5 I'll see you there!
@1
RIKER:  [Pressing his badge]@5 O'Brian, bring us back to holodeck 3's entrance.
@1
O`BRIAN`S VOICE:@5 Yes sir.
@1
TRANSPORTER BEAM:@5 VVVVVVVVVVVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvssssssssssssssSSSSSHHHHHHHHH
@7
[They all disappear, and reappear out side holodeck 3, except Rimmer]
@1
RIMMER`S VOICE:@5 I'm getting rather fed up with this!
@7
[A hologram of Holly's head appears]
@1
HOLLY: @5 Ok Rimmer, you smeg head, If you ask nicely I'll change you back
@1
RIMMER:@5 Please will you get me back?
@1
HOLLY: @5 Ok...
@7
[There is a bright flash and Rimmer re-appears]
@1
RIMMER:@5 I hate that !, it's like being sucked up your own nose and them being
        spat out of the end of a machine gun!
@1
DATA: @5  Holly, is there any way of updating a holodeck simulation with data
        from a transporter beam file?
@1
HOLLY: @5 Yeah, you just cross reference the transporter file output with the
        memory files in the holodeck subset, yeah you could make an exact copy
        of someone, as holodeck matter only though!
@1
LISTER:@5 What the smeg... I'm lost.
@1
PICARD:@5 Me too.
@1
RIKER: @5 Huh?
@1
CAT: @5   I don't care...@1 [he looks at his hand]@5 Damn, I've split a nail.
@1
DATA: @5  What if you re-directed the output from the holodeck to the main
        transporter beam memory banks?
@1
KRYTEN:@5 The holodeck image would become real, and if you programmed the nural
        input of the transporter creation with the computer holodeck
        memory...
@1
DATA:  @5 The person would become real!
@1
HOLLY: @5 Yeah that'd work
@1
RIMMER:@5 Wait a minute, are you saying that you can create things and give
        them memory from files?
@1
KRYTEN:@5 That's roughly it sir!
@1
RIMMER: @5Files such as hologram files?
@1
HOLLY: @5 I s'pose so
@1
RIMMER:@5 Then I could become alive again!
@1
LISTER:@5 And Chrissy and Magruder and Tasha whatshername, and any one else
        that we have hologram or transporter trace files for!
@1HOLLY: @5 Exactly, so Rimmer, do you want to try it out?
@1
RIMMER:@5 Ok.
@1
DATA: @5  I'll inform leutanant O'Brian.
@7
[He walks off towards the transporter room]
@1
HOLLY: @5 Rimmer, I'll have to de-activate you for a while.
@1
PICARD: @5Isn't there a risk involved?
@1
RIMMER: @5Wai....
@7
[In a flash Rimmer disappears]
@1
HOLLY: @5 Oh yes, he could be permanently wiped from existence
@1
RIKER: @5 Do you think we should have told him?
@1
CAT:   @5 Are you kidding?
@1
LISTER:@5 Yeah, I mean we want to see if it works, not wait around a few
        million years to wait for him to make up his mind!
@1
PICARD:@5 You're right, I will file in my report that he agreed whole eartedly,
        despite the risks
@1
RIKER: @5 But sir, that's lying!
@1
PICARD:@5 So, sue me!
@1
RIKER`S BADGE:@5 Bllep Bllep
@7
[He presses it]
@1
DATA`S VOICE:@5 Sir, we are ready for the transfer
@1
HOLLY: @5 Ok, Interfacing with Enterprise computer now.
@7
[A noise like a ZX Spectrum loading is heard]
@1
HOLLY: @5 'Ere, your computer says how come I have got a face and she hasn't?
@1
PICARD:@5 I don't know.
@1
RIKER: @5 Duh!
@1
DATA`S VOICE:@5 Sir, I belive I can answer that.
@1
PICARD:@5 Go on then.
@1
DATA`S VOICE:@5 The writers did not think of it.
@1
CAT: @5   It figures.
@1
LISTER:@5 Can we get on with this please ?
@1
PICARD:@5 Yes, Holly commence transfer of mister Rimmer into holodeck matter
        and then true matter
@1
HOLLY: @5 Ok, hold on this might have a few weird side affects.
@1
LISTER:@5 Why?
@1
KRYTEN:@5 Well we are fiddling with reality and well, frankly, it's a bit dodgy!
@1
RIKER: @5 How weird can it get?
@1
HOLLY: @5I dunno, lets find out.

@7
[The lights dim and Rimmer's light bee disappears. A dog appears on the
ceiling and begins barking "I Should  Be So Lucky". Then the dog disappears
and four middle aged men dressed in overcoats with large backpacks turn the
corner, chasing a large red blob]
@1
PICARD: @5Who are they?
@1
PETER VENKMAN:@5 Hey, are you kidding, Were the GHOSTBUSTERS !
@1
EGON SPENGLER:@5 Nice ship you have here !
@1
PICARD: [stunned]@5 Thank you
@1
WINSTON ZEDAMORE:@5 Throw the trap Ray !
@1
RAY STANTZ: @5Ok Winston.
@7
[He grabs a large black and yellow striped box from his backpack, throws it
down under the red blob and stamps on the control pad, The box opens and a
light beam sprays out]
@1
GHOST TRAP: @5FFFSSFSFSFSFFHSHFSHHHHhhhhhh
@1
GHOST: @5AAAAAaaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhh...........
@1
GHOST TRAP:@5 FFFFFFSFSFHHhhhhhhhhhTT
@7
[The box closes and the blob is gone]
@1
EGON: @5  That was a mean one
@1
PETER: @5 It's miller time !
@7
[The ghostbusters perform a "high 5" and disappear]
@1
LISTER:@5 Well I'd call that pretty weird ! Are you done yet Holly?
@1
HOLLY: @5 Nearly...
@7
[Wesley enters from a turbo lift, a large vat of custard appears over his
head]
@1
WESLEY:@5 Sir, what is going on?
@1
PICARD:@5 Kryten, you explain.


@1
KRYTEN:@5 Well master Crusher, we are attempting to create matter with holodeck
        matter and insert into it mister Rimmer's personality and memory .
@1
WESLEY:@5 Oh is that all.
@7
[The custard tips out all over him]
@1
WESLEY:@5 MMMmmmmmffffff
@1
CAT: @5   I think that means "I can't speak when I'm covered with two tonnes of
        custard"
@1
LISTER: @5Brutal
@1
RIKER: @5 I have wanted to do that for months.
@1
PICARD:@5 I've wanted to for YEARS number one!
@7
[The vat and custard disappear, leaving Wesley clean]
@1
PICARD:@5 Damn.
@1
HOLLY:@5 Right I've done it, he should be beaming in now
@7
[Fade to black and adverts]
@3
'Ere they've 'Ad their Weetabix (AGAIN)
M&Ms Advert with lots of American kids and 50's cars
Coka cola with lots of American kids and 50's cars
Mars advert with lots of American kids and 50's cars
Tango advert with lots of American kids and 50's cars
@7
[Fade back to transporter room]
@1
CAT`S LOG:@5 Goalpost head is beaming in, and I want some food!
@1
LISTER:@5 That's it?
@1
CAT:@5 Well, it was better than yours!
@1
LISTER:@5 It was not.
@1
KRYTEN:@5 Sirs, please stop this petty bickering.
@1
DATA`S VOICE:@5 Why do I always miss it?
@7
[Picard, Riker, Kryten, Lister and Cat all step into the turbo lift, Holly
disappears]
@1
PICARD:@5 Transporter Room
@1
LIFT: @5  Yes Sir
@7
[Cut to transporter room, Holly's head has appeared above O'Brian and O'Brian
is stood watching as the controls activate themselves. Data is stood watching
the transporter. The others enter]
@1
PICARD:@5 Data, how's it going?
@1
DATA: @5  The procedure appears to be going to plan sir, although if there were
        a problem, we would not know yet!
@1
LISTER:@5 That's reassuring.
@7
[The transporter beam hums into action]
@1
TRANSPORTER BEAM:@5  vvvvssssssssshhhhHHHhhHHHhhhhhhhHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
@7
[Rimmer appears]
@1
RIMMER: @5 Did it work?
@1
DATA:   [Scanning with a tricorder]@5 It would appear so.
@1
LISTER: @5Are you really there man?
@1
RIMMER:@5 I think so, quick @1[stepping off transporter]@5 give me something to
        hold.
@7
[Riker gives Rimmer his phaser]
@1
RIMMER: [Looking stunned]@5 I'm alive, I can touch, I can eat, I can smell, I'M
        ALIVE
@1
CAT: @5   No kidding, but I prefered you when you were dead!
@1
PICARD:@5 Holly, can we do this with the others now?
@1
HOLLY: @5 Ok, just tell me who, and I'll zap 'em back to life.
@1
LISTER:@5 Well, Chrissy and Magruder for a start.
@1
DATA: @5  And don't forget Tasha!
@1
HOLLY: @5 Ok but things might be a little weirder than last time if I do all
        three at once
@1
LISTER:@5 It's alright, I'm kind'a getting used to it.
@1
PICARD: @5I agree, we may as well get it over with, but first let me inform the
        crew
@1
RIKER: @5 Good idea, we don't want anyone to think that they are crazy
@1
PICARD:@5 Computer, give me the P.A.
@1
COMPUTER:@5 OK, but only if I can have a face.
@1
PICARD:@5 Agreed, you can have a face, just like Holly's if you like.
@1
COMPUTER:@5 Oh no, I want to be attractive. P.A. Is on!
@1
HOLLY: @5 Cheek.
@1
PICARD:@5 Crew, this is your captain speaking, things are going to get a bit
        strange, infact down right weird for the next few minutes, so don't be
        afraid, and above all DON'T PANIC.@1 [He pauses]@5 P.A. Off.
@1
DATA:  @5 That reminds me of a famous 20th century piece of literature that I
        once read.
@1
RIKER: @5 Haven't you read nearly all 20th century literature Data?
@1
DATA:  @5 True, But this one was strangely different, it described the people of
        the Betelguese system most accurately, even down to the colour of
        their space craft, it was suggested that the author himself was
        perhaps an alien.
@1
LISTER: @5So.
@1
CAT:  @5  Yeah, what has that got to do with anything?
@1
DATA: @5  I'm not sure, I was just babbling as usual.
@1
HOLLY: @5 Can I do it yet?
@1
PICARD:@5 Yes, please go ahead.
@1
HOLLY: @5 Get ready, here it comes.
@7
[The lights dim once more and a large white 50's style fridge appears beside
O'Neil and starts singing about gold.]
@1
LISTER:@5 Freaky
@1
CAT:  @5  Yeah, I agree, who would buy such an ugly refridgerator, it looks like
        a white coffin.
@7
[The fridge disappears and is replaced by a squareish robot]
@1
ROBOT: @5 Oh great, just when you think life can get no worse, ping here you are
        on the transporter room of the starship Enterprise.
@1
PICARD:@5 How did you know that?
@1
ROBOT: @5 I've got a brain the size of a planet, and he asks me how I know that?
        Typical humans, think they know everything and ask you how you knew
        that!
@1
LISTER: @5Shut up, you're worse than Rimmer
@1
ROBOT: @5 Well at least I have a sense of humour!
@1
CAT:   @5 He does have a point.
@7
[The robot disappears and a cartoon style italian looking person appears]
@1
KRYTEN:@5 Ah, I know this one, you are Mario aren't you?
@1
MARIO: @5 Yes, what am I doing here, where is my house?
@1
LISTER:@5 You tell me, where DO you come from?
@1
MARIO: @5 Why Super Mario Land of course.
@1
RIMMER:@5 Ask a stupid question.
@1
MARIO: @5 Must go now, bye bye.
@7
[He disappears and all appears to return to normal]
@1
O`BRIAN: Is that it?
@1
HOLLY: @5 No, almost done though.
@7
[Suddenly the transporter room background disappears and is replaced by a
seedy looking hotel lobby, there is a tall balding man at the desk]
@1
MAN:  @5  Right, how can I help you?
@1
DATA:  @5 Well, we don't need your assistance right now, we are doing fine thank
        you
@1
MAN: @5   OH well that's OK THEN, zapping into my hotel and saying that you are
        FINE. [He starts to shout and go red in the face] Fine FINE, How can
        you be fine, you just appeared from nowhere and you are FINE?
@1
LISTER:@5 Where are we anyhow?
@1
MAN: @5  Torquay of course, where do you think you are, the starship Enterprise?
@7
[another man enters, except he is short and spannish looking]
@1
1ST MAN:@5 Ah Manwell, do these people look fine to you dressed in their silly
         futuristic clothes?
@1
2ND MAN: @5Si, they are-a looking fine-a to me
@1
1ST MAN:@5 Look you Idiot, one has got a square head and another one is yellow
         how can you say they are fine?
@1
2ND MAN:@5 Qua?
@7
[A woman enters]
@1
WOMAN: @5  Never mind him, he's from Barcelona!
@1
RIKER:  @5 I can't stand much more of this.
@1
PICARD: @5 I agree, Holly how long now?
@1
HOLLY:  @5 A few more seconds..
@1
LISTER: @5 Yo Matey, have you got a brochure?
@1
1ST MAN:@5 Yes, Why?
@1
LISTER: @5 So I can stick it down your gob! Now come here...
@7
[The hotel disappears and the transporter room reappears, the transporter
hums into life]
@1
TRANSPORTER BEAM:@5 VVVVVVvvvvvvssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHH
@7
[Chrissy kachanski, Yvonne Magruder and Tasha Yar appear]
@1
CHRISSY:@5 Where am I?
@1
LISTER:@5 You are here, with me where you belong!
@1
CAT:@5 YEUCK!
@1
RIMMER:@5 Magruder...
@1
MAGRUDER:@5 Rimmsy
@1
PICARD: [Looks at Riker] @5Rimmsy?
@1
RIKER:@5  I agree with the Cat
@1
TASHA YAR:@5 Data, what am I doing here, we were just beaming down to that
        awful planet with the living sludge or whatever it was so where did
        everyone go, and who are they [looking at Rimmer, Lister, Cat, Kryten,
        Chrissy and Magruder]
@1
DATA: @5  It's a long story, one which I will be happy to explain in detail In
        my quarters over dinner.
@1
TASHA: @5 Why mister Data, is that a proposition?
@1
DATA: @5  That was the intention.
@1
PICARD:@5 I prefered the Hotel, even with the grotty staff!
@1
RIKER: @5 At least it's all over with now.
@1
O`BRIAN: @5Sir, the computer is demanding that you give her a face.
@1
PICARD: @5 Holly, help her pick one out.
@1
HOLLY:  @5 Ok, I love face shopping.
@1
RIKER: @5  Let's Eat.
@1
RIMMER: @5 Great Idea, mine's a 12 course meal, I haven't eaten in over three
         million years!
@7
[They all laugh, except Riker who just smirks. fade to picture of exterior
of the Enterprise and Red Dwarf]
@1
O`BLIGHTYS VOICE: @5And the Klingon said, What Tribble...
@7
[Fade to the bar/disco on the Red Dwarf, everyone is there, except Tasha and
Data (Strangly)]
@1
PICARD: @5 O'Blighty..
@1
O`BLIGHTY: @5Yes sir
@1PICARD: @5Remind me to get you a transfer to captain...
@1
RIKER: @5 WHAT!
@1
PICARD:@5 Let me finish, captain of a class 10 garbage ship, with only 1 crew
        member.
@1
LISTER: @5That's more like it, you know, I thought that you guys would be
        really, well really...
@1
RIKER: @5 Square?
@1
LISTER:@5 Yeah, but really you're not bad at all, a little goodie goodie, but
        not too bad. Which just goes to prove that you should'nt judge a cover
        by it's book
@1
KRYTEN: @5Book by it's cover.
@1
LISTER: @5What ever.
@1
RIMMER: @5That was a public service announcement. Really, you guys are so
        sickly. You're worse than Rainbow Brite riding a My Little Pony whilst
        playing with dollys.
@1
CAT:  @5  Shut up H Head, or should I say Rimmsy?
@1
KRYTEN:@5 Yes sir, where is Miss Magruder anyway?
@1
GEORDI:@5 From what I've seen of her, so to speak, she's probably practicing
        her boxing with a gorrila.
@1
RIMMER:@5 She's not that bad.
@1
WORF: @5  Well, I wouldn't go out with her, and I'm used to Klingon women.
@1
WESLEY:@5 Well, what I wan't to know is howcome you lot all get girls and all I
        get is a lollypop.
@1
PICARD:@5 Because you are only an ensign.
@1
WESLEY:@5 Lister's only a technitian, but he got a girl, and a very nice one
        too.
@1
CHRISSY:@5 Thank you, sweety@1 [She pats him on the head]
[Riker smirks. Holly appears]

HOLLY: @5  Alright, right, your computer has chosen a head, but be warned, it
         might come as a bit of a shock.
@7
[The old holly's face appears (you know Norman whatsit)]
@1
COMPUTER: @5Alright dudes, what's goin' down in groove town?
@1
HOLLY:  @5 Sorry, the personality goes with the head.
@1
PICARD: @5 But I thought our computer was female?
@1
POLASKI: @5It's whatever it want's to be.
@1
COMPUTER: @5Ere I wouldn't mind a name either.
@1
PICARD: @5 I think Computer will surfice!
@1
RIKER:  @5 Don't be so boring, how about ARNOLD?
@1
COMPUTER:@5 NO, Computer is fine.
@7
[Computer disappears, along with Holly]
@1
PICARD: [to red dwarf crew]@5 So, what are you going to do now?
@1
LISTER: @5Well, weve still got a long way to go to get to earth.
@1
KRYTEN: @5Yes, It will take several years to get back at the speed of the Red
        Dwarf.
@1
RIMMER: @5Yeah, but now I am alive and we have, shall we say company, It won't
        be so boring.
@1
CAT:   @5 Speak for yourself, who have I got?
@1
PICARD:@5 Ah well, about that, one of our female crew members has requested if
        she can come along with you.
@1
KRYTEN: @5Which one?
@1
RIKER: @5 Oh, you don't know her, but her name is Leutenant Tsu, she is over
        there bounce... I mean dancing away.
@7
[you can almost see Cats eyes pop out on stalks and the famous bugs bunny
style siren]
@1
CAT:  @5  Bye Bye.
@7
[He quickly moves over to the dance floor]
@1
KRYTEN:@5 That just leaves me.
@1
PICARD: @5Create yourself a series 2000 female mechanoid in the Holodeck, and
        we will, realityise, if that is the right word, her.
@1
KRYTEN: [sort of grinning] @5Beam me up scotty!
@7
[He walks off, planning]
@1
LISTER: @5Cheers Mateys, It's been a good laugh.
@1
CHRISSY: @5Why so final, we will be on route to Earth, why shouldn't the
         Enterprise stop off every now and then and visit?
@1
RIMMER: @5 Great, and maybe they can bring a picnic... Yeuck, I think I'm gonna
        be sick!
@1
LISTER: @5I've been waiting years to do this.
@7
[He smacks Rimmer in the mouth, who promptly collapses on the floor]
@1
PICARD:@5 Normally I don't condone violence, but.......







@7
[Cut to outside of ships, both heading towards the twin suns of the system, a
voice says "Who was that masked man" and another says "Why that's Jean Luc
Picard" and the ships fly off into the sun set]
#8

                                 T H E  E N D